Saturday, 12 May 2012

Dirty Dancing...All Day...Everyday.

There is nothing like a lazy rainy day to rest your spirits and rejuvenate your oddities.  Today I have barricaded myself in my bedroom wearing ginormous furry pyjamas circa 1985 (with feet). I am armed with 2 pints of Ben and Jerrys "Half Baked", a jar of peanut butter and a box of wine.  Can you say party in my bed???  Along with consuming copious amounts of self depreciating junk food and alcohol I am treating my soul to a plethora of "chick flicks".  I'm a secret lover of any summer camp, lusty muscly romance, and reckless humping on dance floors.  "Dirty Dancing" it is folks!!  In goes the DVD aaaannnd....take it away Johnny Castle!  Those gyrating hip teases and "front parts" dangling in the heated summer breeze....Babys horrible spandex pants (obviously this was before the brilliant invention of the cuchini) and the naughty lure of seducing "the help".  Like most women out there, I have always lived vicariously through the characters of "Dirty Dancing" as my own summer romances included a parade of less than savoury creatures.  Let's see....there was the one eyed man who could always be found sniffing gas from the pavement at the local gas station.  The braided beard hippy who referred to himself in the third person and refused to brush his teeth.  (REFUSED!!!)  The man who wore more makeup than me, and the man with the "sweet grill" who insisted that the ladies use him as a "human pole" everywhere we went. I could seriously write a book (and have actually been asked to on many occasions) about the special men I have frolicked with.  So "Dirty Dancing" is my naughty little escape from it packs a sweet, sexy punch. 

I was recently thinking that the art of  this fabulous film has truly been lost upon today's generation with the rise of movie star "crotch shots" and "Jersey Shore" fist pumping and hair bumping........I think that we should start to bring "Dirty Dancing" back, bit by bit.  Just start to slowly incorporate tiny tidbits into your daily routine.  The following is a bit of a stepping stone to help you to along your way.  Yeah, it might be a bit awkward at first, but if there is one thing I know about you,  it's that you are all masters of embracing the random acts of awkwardness....

Awkward things people who love Dirty Dancing can do in everyday situations:

-To the teenage grocery store clerk who who doesn't quite comprehend why you are giving him googly eyes and blushing:  "I carried a watermelon...."  (then in true "Baby form" act shockingly embarrassed and bang head with hand saying "I CARRIED a watermelon!!!??)

-When you are out at a fancy restaurant, purposely make sure that you are in a corner seat.  Stand up halfway through your meal and shout "Nobody puts (Insert your own name here) in a corner!!!"  Angrily pick up your plate and stomp to a window table in satisfaction.   Repeat as many times as you feel it is necessary. 

-When anyone mentions the late (and great) Patrick Swayze, stop in your tracks, haul out a hairbrush (or any microphone shaped object that may be in your near vicinity) and belt out "Just a foooooooool to believe.....She's liiiike the wind!!!"  Make sure that you include dramatic arm pumps and leg kicks...possibly even drop to your knees on the spot and clutch your chest in passion.  Everyone around you will assume that you are either a one person flash mob or that you are a few frys short of a happy meal.  Win, win.

-When dancing at the local "Friday night" ho down, you ask your partner repeatedly if you have "spaghetti arms" while flopping them around limply.  Make him/her stand behind you and gently caress your arms while you giggle like a schoolgirl. 

-Then try "heating things up" by showing off some of your "meringue" moves (from the studio scene).  Try not to notice half way through your routine (legs over head, gyrating all over your elderly dentist) that no one has switched from the two step and now you are officially the freak of the town.  (Please do the world a favor and let your freak flag fly on a regular basis. )

-If you were a true Dirty Dancing fan, you totally wrote the sequel (before the trashy train wreck, Havanna Nights).  Your story obviously  included "Babys tragic demise" and the need for Jonny Castle to find a sweet, yet slightly awkward replacement in the form of (ahem) you.  Of course there would be much more hip gyrating and shirtless rain scenes.  Perhaps a tad bit more "front part friction".  Take it to a local bookstore and do an impromptu reading.  When  you are "politely" asked to leave, pick up your belongings and shout: "You don't understand the way it is, I mean for somebody like me!!!  Last month I'm eating Jujubes to keep alive, and this month women are stuffing diamonds in my pocket!!!!"  Promptly storm out. 

Enjoy these fabulously hilarious videos....The first one is my future husband Channing Tatum (mmm) and Charlyn Yi in a parody of my all time FAVOURITE scene.... The second is a play by play done by two very hairy men.  Gorgeous. 

Hee hee hee hee hee hee


Today we are just going to drink.....I so dislike crumbs in my bed, therefore this beautiful little concoction of sweet, sour and drunk are perfect!  You can modify it as you wish, let me know if you have any simple ideas to improve on this! 

Awkward Bakers Dirty Dancing Cocktail

-3 cups of your favourite white wine.
-2 cups of pink lemonade
-2 cups of sprite/7up
-Raspberries, strawberries, lemons or limes to garnish each glass. 
-Ice cubes

Mix all liquid ingredients in a pretty pitcher.   Add a hand full of ice cubes.  Put your desired fruit in the bottom of a nice sized wine glass (make sure not to let the ice fall in the glass)  Aaand consume.  I used a raspberry in mine tonight, here it is:

Photo by the drunken Awkward Baker

Dirty Dancing Quote (By Penny Johnson)

"Oh come on ladies!  God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em!"