Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Creep-tastic




"Just be your creepy self for Halloween."  Done and done.  If your out looking for me tonight, I'll be that creeptastic lady with the wild 80s makeup, giant teased hair and long plaid flannel bathrobe (obviously, I opted out of a costume this year). I'll be the one terrorising the neighbourhood children with a sweet mix of bloody machetes, realistic melting face masks and my treasured lifesize cardboard cutout of the lovely John Stamos.  (Uncle Jesse, you continue to rock my world, long after your house is no longer full....ha ha...cracking myself up over here)  Sorry, too much free Halloween candy snagged from the "please take one" bowl at the Walmart. 


 
 
Ahem....anyhoo, like I was saying, you'll find me out scaring away the little hoodulums that dare to enter my premises with intentions of taking my bags upon bags of delightful mini chocolate bars. Frig off kids.  Seriously, nobody gets between the Awkward Baker and her mini snickers bars. I will sacrifice John Stamos if I must.  (mmm..cascading mullet....)
 
In lieu of a recipe this week, (since I'm pretty sure we'll all just going to gorge on mini kit kats and chug boxes of wine while watching "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and doing our best to sing along) I'm going to leave you with one of my all time favourite awkwards: Mad TVs Stuart doing up Halloween.  Enjoy.  Have a safe and Happy Halloween.  As a homeless man once said to me (actually, he screamed it across the street while shaking his umbrella and humping the air) "Don't get any on ya". 
 
 
 
 


Friday, 5 October 2012

50 Shades of Thanksgiving



Thanksgiving.  That nifty time of year in which we put on our finest fally type sweater sets, buy an apple pie from the Sobeys, toss it in a dish to look homemade and proceed to drink heavily with our loved ones (or possibly because of our loved ones).   Amidst the decadent tumbling leaves, spooky moon skies and chilly foggy breath mornings, there lies.... (insert spooky music) dum dum dum....the great family sit down.  Due to said heavy drinking and fake sense of camaraderie, we tend to let our guards down and accidentally air our filthiest laundry.  We've all been there.  No judging here!!!  I'm just thinking that perhaps it would be smart to make a list of "safe" topics for your family doo this year.  Stick to the basics....like the weather, the upcoming election and Honey Boo Boo.  "All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimus."  hee hee.... vajiggle jaggle.....

The following is a list of things that will NOT be brought up at the Awkward Bakers Thanksgiving Celebration this year:

  • This blog (in any way shape or form)
  • Grandmas new found racism
  • Grandpas giant black "man friend" who takes him for his walks and generously takes his bubble baths with him. 
  • Great Uncle Manny's "accidental" tongue kisses
  • Cousin Kermie's continuous love affair with high heeled shoes and ruby lip stains
  • Anything found in your parents "secret bedroom drawers"
  • Last years "episode" in which you drank a copious amount of  "pumpkin pie martinis" (see below for recipe) and decided to entertain the table with tales of the infamous "Who is in my mouth party"
  • The fact that all of the women have a copy of "50 Shades" stuffed in their purses.  (Dog eared, ripped pages and wet pages from bathtub time.)
  • The fact that all of the husbands have at some point borrowed the book to see what the big hoopla is all about....and thoroughly enjoyed it. 
  • Aunt Melva's strange (yet oddly entrancing) manhandling of the turkey...Those legs sure are pliable. 
Remember when we were kids and every show would have a thanksgiving special?  The Brady Bunch episode where Greg directs that special little "family movie" in which they were all pilgrims. I'm not sure about you guys, but the last time someone tried to make a little "family movie" around our place, it was Uncle Manny...except we didn't know he was videotaping us...from his iphone...in his pocket....ahem.

Or my own personal favourite, the Friends episode where Joey puts a turkey on his head.  It sure does beat that inevitable awkward moment when someone has to insert their hand into the turkeys'....ummm....cavity to ensure proper....erm...stuffing.  Nothing about that sentence made me comfortable.  Although maybe we'll commission Aunt Melva to do it next year.  She loves her some turkey bits....


Anyhoo, so I'm thinking that we should back the tv specials with a bang... (or a ball gag) with...wait for it... "50 Shades of Orange, Red and Yellow...The Thanksgiving Special."  I'm thinking maybe Christian and Ana adopt a herd of sexy little pilgrims and embark on a sexy  adventure that includes all manners of "kinky turk-ery".  Just a thought...tossing it out there... Although this year, I may just stick to the Charlie Brown special and leave the kinky turk-ery to the pros.  (Aunt Melva, perhaps???)


********************************************************************

As mentioned earlier, tonight I whipped up a marvellous, festive treat for your mouth.  Impress your relatives while getting drunk.  You can't lose folks.  The Pumpkin Spice Martini is both decadent and delicious.  Also, it packs a serious buzz.  I'm hoping someday to turn all desserts into a drink....what a wonderful world this could be!!!!

The Pumpkin Spice Martini

What you need:
  • 3 shots of spiced rum
  • 1 shot of Baileys (YAY!!!) 
  • 1 shot of pumpkin flavored liquier (such as Hiram Walker)  or  half a shot of any pumpkin flavored syrup. 
Do it up:

Mix ingredients together in a martini shaker with a handful of ice cubes (note the arm workout...sweet)  Top this tastey delight with a dash of cinnamon sugar, a dab of whipped cream or even chocolate shavings.  Have fun and impress the hell out of your family!!! 

Photo from The Heather Chronicles


I leave you with awkward Carol and her Thanksgiving song to you. 



Saturday, 2 June 2012

Coming Soon: 50 Shades of Awkward...

Happy June, awkward readers!!!!!  I just wanted to do up a quick post to tell you that I'm currently devouring my way through the "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy...AHEM...it's for research ONLY!!!  (Insert awkward lying face)  Ok, ok...you've got me.  I'm reading under the covers with a flashlight while my husband sleeps at night...I'm like a fat kid hoarding Girl Guide cookies...hiding them in her fanny pack hoping no one pats her down and squishes her chocolate secrets.  I called in sick because I finished the first book and was heartbroken...In the near future, I will have a proper post for you on what life would be like if the Awkward Baker wooed (yep,  I said wooed) Christian Grey.  In the meantime, here is "Ellen's" awkward tryout for the reading of the "50 Shades of Grey" audio book. 





I will also leave you with an age old "go to" recipe that makes a fantastic companion to "50 Shades".  It takes 10 minutes to whip up and another 20 to sit. 

Mars Bar Squares (Or as I have been calling them:  Delicious Alternatives to Christian Grey)


-4 regular sized Mars bars (get 5....you WILL eat one before you begin and it's much easier to have an extra on reserve rather than running back out to the store)

-1/2 cup of butter

-2 cups of rice krispies.

-2 cups of chocolate chips

-Do it up!!!

-Melt on low heat:  Mars Bars and butter.  When they are almost smooth (the nougat won`t melt very well) add the krispies and one cup of chocolate chips.

-mix it up and squish into an 8 by 8 inch greased pan.  Melt the remaining chocolate chips and pour them on top.  Refrigerate until hard on top. 

So, grab yourself a very generous glass of wine, a few Mars Bar squares and hunker down with Christian for the night.   Stay tuned for my upcoming post on 50 Shades!!!!!

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Dirty Dancing...All Day...Everyday.



There is nothing like a lazy rainy day to rest your spirits and rejuvenate your oddities.  Today I have barricaded myself in my bedroom wearing ginormous furry pyjamas circa 1985 (with feet). I am armed with 2 pints of Ben and Jerrys "Half Baked", a jar of peanut butter and a box of wine.  Can you say party in my bed???  Along with consuming copious amounts of self depreciating junk food and alcohol I am treating my soul to a plethora of "chick flicks".  I'm a secret lover of any summer camp, lusty muscly romance, and reckless humping on dance floors.  "Dirty Dancing" it is folks!!  In goes the DVD aaaannnd....take it away Johnny Castle!  Those gyrating hip teases and "front parts" dangling in the heated summer breeze....Babys horrible spandex pants (obviously this was before the brilliant invention of the cuchini) and the naughty lure of seducing "the help".  Like most women out there, I have always lived vicariously through the characters of "Dirty Dancing" as my own summer romances included a parade of less than savoury creatures.  Let's see....there was the one eyed man who could always be found sniffing gas from the pavement at the local gas station.  The braided beard hippy who referred to himself in the third person and refused to brush his teeth.  (REFUSED!!!)  The man who wore more makeup than me, and the man with the "sweet grill" who insisted that the ladies use him as a "human pole" everywhere we went. I could seriously write a book (and have actually been asked to on many occasions) about the special men I have frolicked with.  So "Dirty Dancing" is my naughty little escape from reality...plus it packs a sweet, sexy punch. 


I was recently thinking that the art of  this fabulous film has truly been lost upon today's generation with the rise of movie star "crotch shots" and "Jersey Shore" fist pumping and hair bumping........I think that we should start to bring "Dirty Dancing" back, bit by bit.  Just start to slowly incorporate tiny tidbits into your daily routine.  The following is a bit of a stepping stone to help you to along your way.  Yeah, it might be a bit awkward at first, but if there is one thing I know about you,  it's that you are all masters of embracing the random acts of awkwardness....


Awkward things people who love Dirty Dancing can do in everyday situations:


-To the teenage grocery store clerk who who doesn't quite comprehend why you are giving him googly eyes and blushing:  "I carried a watermelon...."  (then in true "Baby form" act shockingly embarrassed and bang head with hand saying "I CARRIED a watermelon!!!??)


-When you are out at a fancy restaurant, purposely make sure that you are in a corner seat.  Stand up halfway through your meal and shout "Nobody puts (Insert your own name here) in a corner!!!"  Angrily pick up your plate and stomp to a window table in satisfaction.   Repeat as many times as you feel it is necessary. 


-When anyone mentions the late (and great) Patrick Swayze, stop in your tracks, haul out a hairbrush (or any microphone shaped object that may be in your near vicinity) and belt out "Just a foooooooool to believe.....She's liiiike the wind!!!"  Make sure that you include dramatic arm pumps and leg kicks...possibly even drop to your knees on the spot and clutch your chest in passion.  Everyone around you will assume that you are either a one person flash mob or that you are a few frys short of a happy meal.  Win, win.


-When dancing at the local "Friday night" ho down, you ask your partner repeatedly if you have "spaghetti arms" while flopping them around limply.  Make him/her stand behind you and gently caress your arms while you giggle like a schoolgirl. 


-Then try "heating things up" by showing off some of your "meringue" moves (from the studio scene).  Try not to notice half way through your routine (legs over head, gyrating all over your elderly dentist) that no one has switched from the two step and now you are officially the freak of the town.  (Please do the world a favor and let your freak flag fly on a regular basis. )

-If you were a true Dirty Dancing fan, you totally wrote the sequel (before the trashy train wreck, Havanna Nights).  Your story obviously  included "Babys tragic demise" and the need for Jonny Castle to find a sweet, yet slightly awkward replacement in the form of (ahem) you.  Of course there would be much more hip gyrating and shirtless rain scenes.  Perhaps a tad bit more "front part friction".  Take it to a local bookstore and do an impromptu reading.  When  you are "politely" asked to leave, pick up your belongings and shout: "You don't understand the way it is, I mean for somebody like me!!!  Last month I'm eating Jujubes to keep alive, and this month women are stuffing diamonds in my pocket!!!!"  Promptly storm out. 

Enjoy these fabulously hilarious videos....The first one is my future husband Channing Tatum (mmm) and Charlyn Yi in a parody of my all time FAVOURITE scene.... The second is a play by play done by two very hairy men.  Gorgeous. 






Hee hee hee hee hee hee

*******************************************************

Today we are just going to drink.....I so dislike crumbs in my bed, therefore this beautiful little concoction of sweet, sour and drunk are perfect!  You can modify it as you wish, let me know if you have any simple ideas to improve on this! 


Awkward Bakers Dirty Dancing Cocktail

-3 cups of your favourite white wine.
-2 cups of pink lemonade
-2 cups of sprite/7up
-Raspberries, strawberries, lemons or limes to garnish each glass. 
-Ice cubes


Mix all liquid ingredients in a pretty pitcher.   Add a hand full of ice cubes.  Put your desired fruit in the bottom of a nice sized wine glass (make sure not to let the ice fall in the glass)  Aaand consume.  I used a raspberry in mine tonight, here it is:

Photo by the drunken Awkward Baker


Dirty Dancing Quote (By Penny Johnson)

"Oh come on ladies!  God wouldn't have given you maracas if he didn't want you to shake 'em!"

Wednesday, 18 April 2012

Awkward Facebook Moments...With a Happy Ending.



Happy Hump day!  (Says the crazy lady who is chugging Baileys spiked coffee and trying to tame mangled frizzy hair) Why is it so frigging hard to drag my slightly padded ass (still working off those   Double Fudge Irish Cream Cookies )  out of bed and face mornings?  I've been doing it for well over 33 years now, and it just never gets easier! I sometimes contemplate life as one of those unsettled ladies who take up residence in their bed.  I would have a lifetime supply of nutella, Air Supply and Saved by The Bell reruns.  (A.C. Slater...you continue to rock my world universe long after the "College Years".)

Sweet mullety perfection...yes...

 I would send the neighbours boy out to fetch my groceries and lady products while taking part in video chats with crazy men who would make strange requests ("Put on the sheer pantyhose!!!!  Now the grey ones!!").  But they would be my new friends, so I would accommodate.  I would  get all of my much needed gossip from my old faithful, Facebook. Which incidentally happens to be the subject of toady's post. 


Facebook has made it possible for the average awkward creep (like me!  and you!) to stalk from the comfort of our own super comfy beds!  "Leave the black catsuit and pliers at home Henry!  Mamas got a Facebook account! " However, just when you thought that you could avoid random acts of awkwardness by staying home and silently creeping on your peeps, technology kicks you in the (cushy) ass and takes awkwardness to a whole new level.  So much for anonymity, especially when you are as awkward prone as yours truly!  I've had numerous strange run ins with old friends, new friends, strangers who poke me, Farmville neighbours and once an old professor who sent a disturbing photo taken in the shower stall of my old housing residence.  Here are some "Awkward Facebook Moments" I've complied after looking back over the years. Feel free to leave me a comment with your own experiences.  (You know I hate to be awkward AND alone!!!)  As always I will be leaving you with a "happy ending" in the form of "Baileys Banana Trifles"...mmmm...


Awkward Facebook Moments:
  • Accidentally hitting the "like" button on someones unlikable status...."Just got fired, dumped and fell down the stairs." Awkward Baker Likes.
  • Drunkenly searching for your hottie crush and not realising that you entered his name as your status until the next morning when you see that he has deleted your creepy ass. 
  • Your "God lovin Aunt" continuously posts pictures of sad Jesus on your wall.  
  • Your Bubblewitch Saga score was posted. 
  • Noone liked your witty status about jiggly people in lycra on bikes emerging along with the beautiful weather.  
  • ....except your mom
  • The picture that you snapped on your cell phone of your wobbly "before diet" body was posted on your wall because your phone is a whore. 
  • Running into someone at the store and telling them that you ADORE the engagement pics they just posted...and then remembering that they are not actually your friend.  You are just a creep. 
  • Getting dumped and having to change your status. 
  • Noone responding to your birthday party event. 
  • ...except your mom.  (and even that was only a "maybe")
************************************************************8

 
I found this amazing recipe at    "Love With Food"    and I improvised slightly to fit my cupboards ingredients.  This is a truly fantastic site, as they have a program that allows you to buy delicious meals and they will donate a meal to   help fight hunger!!!  I love to see people baking and giving back!!!!

Baileys Banana Trifles
-0.5 oz thick cream....I just used cool whip left over from my weeekend ;)
-7 tbsp Baileys (Yay!  Another opportunity to use your Homemade Baileys!
-6 chocolate brownies.  I'm lazy, so I bought the brownies from a local bakery. 
-3 bananas, cut up.
-18 oz vanilla custard.  I went all "Bill Cosby" on these trifles and used a box of instant vanilla pudding. 
-6 tbsp caramel topping. (The kind you would smother ice cream in)
-One grated chocolate bar.  I used a Cadbury chocolate bar. 
-Cute wine or martini glasses to serve them in!

Do it up: 
Mix the cream with 1 tbsp Baileys, and set aside. Divide the brownie pieces between 6 glasses, then drizzle each with 1 tbsp Baileys.  Now pour a shot for yourself and indulge. Top with the sliced bananas, pudding and Baileys cream, dividing equally, then drizzle with caramel sauce and finish with chocolate shavings. This can be made a few hours ahead, to allow it to set.   It's a pretty straightforward recipe with room to be creative.  You could always do a couple of layers or add more Baileys. 


Photo from Love With Food

Now, sit back with a giant spoon  indulge upon your creation, creep a few peeps on the old FB and then watch these two hilarious videos on Shit People Say on Facebook!




Thursday, 5 April 2012

Happy Easter!!! Unless the Zombie Bunny Finds You...



Easter!!!! Springy wonderfullness!!!  Furry Bunnies!!!   Marshmallow Peeps!!!! (PROZAC!!!) There is something so amazingly refreshing about Easter.  Perhaps it's the warmer weather...the dog crap emerging from melting snowbanks or the fact that my prescriptions are all up to date.  (YAY!) Whatever the reason, I love this time of year!   Also, I may or may not have spent the morning taste testing the recipe of the day...wait for it..it's amazing. 

As always, I feel that it is quite necessary to jump start Easter weekend with a list of helpful hints and tips.  Holidays are stressful enough, so I've compiled a list of my own previous experiences that may help you to avoid some of the finer random acts of awkwardness.  Do take note!!!

****************************************************************

-You know that awkward moment when you feel strangely attracted to the mall Easter Bunny?  (Yeah you KNOW which moment I'm talking about...He IS naked and kind of a bad ass...all breaking into houses and what not.)  Anyways, do NOT voice said attraction out loud to your mates.  They feel it too, but it's best that no one speaks of it. 

-When asked to read a story to your niece after Easter dinner, do NOT haul out this nifty gem:



And if you MUST, please refrain from showing them THIS photo...I'm still disturbed, and trust me, it takes a lot!!!


 

-Do not admit to your grandma that you still don't quite "get" the whole Easter story...where did the bunny lying eggs come into the picture??  It's best just to go with it...


-During the Easter egg hunt, do not stuff eggs down your shirt and prance about pretending to be Dolly Parton.  Also, try to remain sober until at least lunch. 


-Attempt to maintain composure when someone makes references to their  "Mr. Nutty" or  "Mr. Solid".   Note that Mr. Solid is a creamy milk chocolate that "melts in your mouth....yes you do Mr. Solid...yes you do. 

-Don't be this guy:

Photo from Awkward Family Photos

-Did you give up dry humping unsuspecting men at the local Supermarket for lent? (Yay for you!!!!!)  But keep this to yourself at the family dinner.

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Of course if you DID manage to stumble into an awkward moment, fret not, as I have found THE recipe that will make anyone and everyone forget the silly situations you may or may not have gotten yourself into! Cadbury Caramel Creme Martinis!!!!!!  Seriously.  I found it on a wonderful, amazing site called  "Grin and Bake It"   . You can DRINK your creme eggs!!!!  What a wonderful world. There really isn't a better way to get through awkward family small talk and the fact that you DID go against the rules and mention the Easter bunny attraction. The only thing I can think of that would be better would be a recipe that would actually INFUSE a real creme egg with vodka.  MMMM...Please let me know if you are able to master this.  In the meantime whip these up!!!

Cadbury Caramel Creme Martini

3 oz. vanilla vodka
1.5 oz. creme de cacao
1.5 oz. white chocolate liqueur
1 oz. caramel liqueur
splash of cream

You can get creative and rim your glass with chocolate or caramel sauce and crushed chocolate pieces if you want!  Swirl chocolate syrup inside the martini glass and chill.   Combine vanilla vodka, creme de cacao, white chocolate liqueur, caramel liqueur, and cream into a martini shaker filled with ice. Shake and pour.
This recipe makes 2....or one ginormous martini!!!


Photo From "Grin and Bake It"

Remember to drink responsibly, as no one needs to see your drunken rendition of the "Passion of the Christ". Yes I'm sure your homemade puppets make a lovely Christ on the cross, however, the world isn't quite ready for your creative genius. 

Happy Easter!!!



Friday, 30 March 2012

The Awkward Games...



If you still haven't figured it out, the Awkward Baker is a tad bit of a dork.  I eat geek-eroni for lunch and spaz-ghetti for dinner.  (Also, I drink wine with all of the above...which explains the terrible puns). I'm quite familiar with all things Battlestar Gallactica and I'm a die hard Jacob fan.  (I shall someday sculpt those abs out of  No Bake Nutella Cheesecake .)  It should come as no surprise to you that I am also a ginormous Hunger Games fanatic.(Peeta...if only I could smother you in butter cream icing and set you gently on top of a Cadbury Creme Cupcake...)  Ahem...Sorry about that.  I had an unfortunate "run in" with a very slow moving automatic door earlier this week and I still haven't quite regained full "Awkward Baker" composure yet.  Seriously though, why do they take so long to open???  A girl is just bustling about, high heels and sharp Spring dress, head held high and brand new "fancy undies" in tote.  The last thing on her mind is the speed of the self opening door!!!!  Of course I would get the "special" door and end up flat faced and bruised!  It didn't help that I belted out my signature  "donkey bray laugh" and then dropped the bag of lacey undergarments all over the muddy floor and had to retrieve them whilst maintaining a small shred of dignity.   
So back to my Random Act of Hunger Games Awkwardness.  Much like a sheltered pre-teen in the throes of a Justin Bieber concert, I have an awful tendency of becoming a tad bit...overexcited when one of my nerdy books becomes a movie.  Let's just say that my mind is excruciatingly lazy and I get sick of picturing all of my fave characters as stick people with bad hair.  My most awkward moment came from a "theme party" gone wrong.  I can only assume that when I wrote "Hunger Games Theme Party" on the Facebook e-vite that my intelligent friends (and their friends etc) would (despite my lack of clarification due to the door smacking incident) get my drift and come in character.  Nope.  I was the only one rocking a Katniss style braid down to my buttocks, sweet brown "gently used" hunting jacket and a set of (incredibly sharp..ouch!)  arrows .  Theme party fail. 

I've compiled a list of other awkward "Hunger Games" moments that could possibly arise in the next few weeks...


-Your sister asks if you would volunteer as tribute for her if the Hunger Games ever became a reality.  *awkward silence ensues*

-It's a gorgeous sunny day and you are cruising around, windows down, tunes blaring with your homies in tow.  Awkwardness ensues as  Rues Song comes on....for the 6th time...and you accidentally fist pump and yell "This is totally my JAM!!"

-You start giving the three fingered wave to everyone...(Three fingers to the lips then into the air)

-You begin to refer to yourself in the third person adding "The Girl on Fire".  The Awkward Baker...Girl on Fire... (actually, there was this one unfortunate incident with a creme brule torch and a bottle of whiskey....)

-You find yourself belting out "The Capital!!"  when someone asks where your dream vacation is. 

I know there are readers out there who are feeling me with this Awkward thing, so leave a comment!  Let me know I'm not alone and give me your own Awkward Hunger Games moment!!!

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It's Friday, and let me tell you that the Awkward Baker needs a drink.  I assume that you are all with me here, as I just made you read about my dorky obsessions.  I had so much fun making  Homemade Baileys on Valentines Day that I thought I would research other DIY drinks!  I came across this fabulous, easy recipe for Kahlua!!!!  How much fun would it be to roll up to your "Hunger Games" theme party rocking your own Kahlua for Mudslides?  No one would even notice that you are dressed up!  I found this recipe on one of my favourite sites, The Cupcake Project and it turned out AMAZING!  I'm half in the bag now and I haven't even BEGUN to mix drinks yet!

What you Need:
  • 6 cups of your favourite brewed coffee (7 if you need one for yourself after a long day!) 
  • 1 pound light brown sugar
  • 3 1/2 tablespoons Vanilla
  • 1/2 litre of vodka...sweet glorious vodka!!!! I sure do love you!!! (oops, took a shot or two for myself!!)
Do it up:

Edward Wandering Onto the Set of the Hunger Games
  1. While the coffee is still hot, mix in the brown sugar.
  2. Let it cool
  3. Mix in vanilla and vodka.  (Do the running man to burn off calories that you will be soon be consuming...also because it's fun and looks hot)
  4. Serve it up!  Alone over ice, ice cream topper, mudslides, wet dreams, screaming orgasms (yep, they're real!)  or add it to your baking for an extra oomph!  Cookies, icing and pudding would be DELIGHTFUL!!!!
Photo from "The Cupcake Project"

    ENJOY!

    May the wine be ever in your flavor!!!!



    In place of a quote of the day, watch this hallarious video!!!










    Thursday, 15 March 2012

    Kiss Me, I'm Awkward....Happy St. Pats!!!


    I'm going to begin this blog by telling you how much I dislike St. Patricks Day.  Green doesn't go well with my "awkward".  I'm all for a holiday that encourages copious alcohol intake and ludicrous behaviour amongst the masses.  However, a holiday that has turned my least favourite colour into a trend?  Ew.  Also, I dont' get a day off of work for this "holiday" so I kind of feel that it's a sham (rock).  Get it?  ha ha ha.  I think the biggest reason for my tasteful disregard of St. Patricks day would be the leprechauns.  Creepy little friggers.  I have always had a deep seeded fear of their tiny hands, squishy faces and sneaky desire for pilfering.  You can try to dress them up in adorable tiny taylor made green suits and have them prancing about on rainbows doing jigs, but I'm not fooled.  All in all they are still stalking children trying to steal their "lucky charms".  Nothing creepy about that at all.  (Insert wildly sarcastic face) Saturday night while the rest of the planet is at an Irish bar, wearing their tacky variations of "Kiss me I'm Irish" apparel, I'll be under my covers with a large glass of wine (and lets face it, probably a large bowl of Lucky Charms because they are frigging magically delicious).  I'll probably have my "Celtic Lullabye" cd on full swing and I will be wating for the night to end. Please tell me I'm not the only person with a) a heavy diversion to the colour green and b) a paralyzing phobia of leprechauns.

     
    As with  
    Valentines Day  I have put together a few easily avoided awkward moments stemming from my experiences with this "marvellous" holiday. 

    That awkward moment when....

    -You accidentally yell "LEPRECHAUN!!!"  at a "little person"  and poke them in the belly while demading they give you their pot of gold.  Also it's 10am and you're at work. 


    -You head to the bar with your colourblind friend.  She's wearing red. 


    -You reach into your (giant green) purse to haul out a pen to give the hot Irishman at the bar your number...but instead haul out a tampon.  Which causes you to have a mini freak out and you fling it into the air.  It lands in his lap. 

    -You spew...green...all over your date. 

    -You show up to work in head to toe green (including the "mossy stone" nail polish, neon hair clip-on and shamrock belt).  It's only March 16th. 

    -You finally confide in your friends about your phobia of leprechauns.  Instead of being understanding (like you were when "Sally" told you about her "thing with feet") they use the opportunity to make fun of you at every social event.  You turn into the "crazy friend" with the "thing with leprechauns". 

    ************************************************************************

    Although I dislike the holiday, I love the drinks!!!  Especially this fabulous one I found at  "Dine and Dish"  for St. Patricks Day Grasshoppers! It's super simple and filled with alcohol!  A recipe after my own heart.  I do love it when people mix ice cream with liquier!!!  This should take a bit of the edge off on Saturday before the Leprechauns arrive!

    St. Patrick's Day Grasshopper Ice Cream Cocktail
    • 5 Quart Plastic Bucket of Vanilla Ice Cream
    • 3 shots of Creme de Menthe liquor
    • 1 shot of Creme de Cacao liquor
    • 1 shot of Irish Whiskey 
    Mix all of the ingredients together and taste.  Feel free to add more (and more and more) liquer to strengthen the taste!  Top with whipped cream for extra tastiness!!!

    Photo from "Dine and Dish"


    Use your creative awkwardness to garnish these puppies!  Candied shamrocks, green sprinkles...the dollarstore is filled with tacky glasses, straws and serving platters!  What is YOUR favorite St. Patricks day drink???  Also, what are your plans for Saturday?  I need to live vicariously through my readers as I'll be under my covers! 


    Quote of the day from How I Met Your Mother:

    Barney Stinson: Let's drink green beer! Let's do green Jell-o shots! Where's your St. Patrick's Day spirit?
    Lily Aldrin: We're drinking green tea.
    Marshall Eriksen: With caffeine.

    Friday, 2 March 2012

    Cadbury Creme Whore



    Stupid mornings...I dislike you with a passion that is generally reserved for my self loathing after gorging upon Double Fudge Irish Cream Cookies while watching an entire season of 90210 in just four days.  My husband can attest to this as he is quite often the victim of "Morning Bitch"  (My alter pre-coffee personality)  Morning Bitch is responsible for all manners of terrible nastiness...the random kicking of walls, growling into cereal boxes and quoting angry lines from "The Vagina Monologues".  It does however, seem to ease off a bit once the caffeine kicks me in the ass and I'm driving to work.  Thank Vodka though, because no one wants to put up with The Awkward/Grumpy baker...Not a marvellous combo.  My therapeutic morning drive generally consists of me, my coffee and Playboy Radio on Sirius xm.  Nothing will perk you up quite like the scandalous tales of a Playboy Bunny.  Ahhh...skanky girls and their weekend party tales, how I love you. This leads me into this weeks Random Act of Awkwardness.  


    On Wednesday morning I was grumping my way to work when I realised that I had forgotten to pick up cream for my personal coffee stash.  (no one likes the communal cream jug...ew...We all know a certain "someone" who takes secret chugs while pretending to be on "Weight Watchers")  Anyhoo, I stopped at a sketchy gas station and left the car running.  The windows were down a tad, due to a caffeine high heat flash.  I thought nothing of it as I bolted into the store and made my purchase.  When I came out, I was slightly put off to see a couple of mullety truckers having a jolly giggle outside of my car.  Mortification hit as I realised that they were listening to "The Morning After Show" featuring an incredibly explicit , naughty encounter of a playboy bunny's weekend.  Let's just say that there may or may not have been some mention of  mastering the "fivesome" and some "Do it yourself" hints and tips.  (What??  A girl has to stay current in this day and age!!)  I attemped to wait until they grew tired of the radio escapades (yeah right) but since I was already late for work, I had to take the "walk of shame" and get into the car.  Awkwrdness ensued all around as I approached the car and after a few strained "mornins" we went our own awkward ways.  It's no surprise that i had to rush home after work and bake up my next incredible treat....wait for it...

    ***************************************************************************   


    It's that time of year again...time to loosen your belt a few notches, pull your hair back and hide the scales.  Cadbury Creme Eggs....I like em big, small, in a chocolate bar, chocolate covered Joe Louis inspired cake, McFlurry... I especially like them inside of a mini cupcake...topped with Baileys Butter cream icing... Drool much?  Stick with me viewers, I won't steer you wrong. I may make you fat, but while going downhill, you will have a mouth filled with amazingness.  (Yep, perfect "That's what she said" moment!!)

    Before we begin, let's take a little trip down memory lane...to a simple time, before global warming and celebrity crotch shots.  The old school Cadbury Creme Egg commercials.  I'm revolted and slightly irritated by the new commercials that have the slogan "Release the Goo."   Seriously???  I'm pretty sure I once had a skeevy old man with one eye and a curly mullet at a bar make that same suggestion....unfortunately it wasn't Easter, and there were no creme eggs in sight.  Just saying.  It's creepy and no one needs you to be releasing any goo all over their delightful Easter treats. 
    So sit back and enjoy the nostalgia of the "bock bocking" bunny. 




    Now that I've got you all in a craving frenzy, let's whip up a little concoction to satiate your appetite. It's super simple and can be modified in so many ways! You may choose to ditch the mini version and simply go all out with the big ones...Some days are just like that. 


     "Mini Creme Egg Cupcakes with Baileys Butter cream Icing"


    What you will need:


    For the cake:
    • One box of your favourite cake mix.  I always use Ducan Hines because I love me a nice moist cake.  You will be following the directions on the box, so ingredients will vary.  They usually require milk, eggs and vegetable oil. 
    • 12 mini creme eggs. 
    For the Icing:
    Do it up!!!

    Note: Put your 12 mini Cadbury creme eggs in the freezer about an hour before you begin, to prevent a gooey mess in the oven. 

    Prepare the cake mix according to the box (hee hee...box) and line your adorable mini cupcake tins with some fabulous liners.  I'm LOVING the gorgeous liners from "Bake It Pretty" !  Fill the cups, leaving a small space for the eggs to be plunked into.  Once you fill the cups, plop a small egg into the middle of each cupcake and stick them in the oven. Follow the baking instructions on the box and give yourself a jolly pat on the back for being a regular kitchen goddess. 

    While you are waiting, mix up the icing!!!  Mix all of the ingredients together and give it a little taste.  If you find it to be a bit runny, add more icing sugar.  Too dry?  Add more baileys!  This buttercream icing recipe tastes amazing and is so simple!!! 

    Wait until the cupcakes cool off then go crazy with your icing!!!  I'm going on a bit of a "Cadbury Creme Egg" recipe bender here soon, so bear with me for all things creme egg and alcohol based.  Feel free to leave your ideas and suggestions!!!!!  In other words, please help fuel my addiction!!!


    Photo from Too Sweet Bakery

    Quote of the day from "Happy Endings"


    Brad [to Jane]: I'm not the one who always goes out to the terrace to stretch because quote, "the perv across the way needs to eat too!"

    Friday, 24 February 2012

    You're Awkward and I Know It....



    One of my all time favourite pastimes would have to be relishing in the Random Acts of Awkwardness of others.  I adore my own awkwardness, however, spending the majority of my day red faced and flabbergasted is only fun-tastic for so long...I'm just that disturbed that I like the spotlight to be on someone else's "Freak Flag" once in a while.  Nothing is quite as delicious as watching someone get crapped on by a rogue pigeon or slip on the ice and end up in a strange spread eagle position while passerbys just avert their eyes.  You know it will probably be your turn in the next few days, but until then, the humiliation is all theirs. 

    Just last week I was fortunate enough to witness a leggy blond woman ask for "3 1/2 inch screws" at the local hardware store.  The jiggly man behind the counter let out a small series of snorts and masked giggles, which sounded more like a donkey being molested by a drunk cowboy. The awkwardness that ensued was gorgeous.  I relished in the moment and continued to observe the remainder of the encounter through the dusty shelves of my hiding place.  There was a great deal of stuttering, strange hand gestures and even some feet stomping that give my own awkward reactions a run for their money.  Ahhh, other people, I just love when you show me your oddities. 

    I think it would be fun to spend a day going about the town and creating awkward moments for others to walk into.  Just for giggles and snorts.  Perhaps you could lock all of the doors in a public washroom and watch in glee as people rush to squirm under for a pee.  Or on a "gassy" day you could stroll the aisles of the local supermarket and bolt after a toot, so that great awkwardness ensues for those attempting to have a civilised conversation.  You KNOW they are both thinking the other person did it, but through strained smiles and "mouth breathing" they are much too polite to say anything.  Oooh, or leave your cuchini lying around at a party and see how many people you can turn red faced when they ask you what it is!  Anyone have any of their own ideas on how to make others lives awkward?  ;)

    I'm disgustingly excited for today's recipe...I'm talking "fat kid gets a shiny new red bike" kind of excited.  I'm talking "Grandma got a brand new bingo dabber" excited.  My world has turned back side up since learning how to make my own Baileys.  The sun is brighter, the snow is whiter and there is a tiny spring in my step that wasn't there before.  You may argue that it's probably because I'm permanently drunk (Baileys in my coffee, oatmeal, pancakes etc) and you are probably right.  Whatever the cause, life is fabulous.  So fabulous in fact that I am sharing with you one of the most delicious recipes I have ever stumbled across.....Double Fudge Irish Cream Cookies.  Yep, I said it. Your Welcome.  If you've already made a batch of your own Baileys, this is an awesome opportunity to use it in a recipe!  (If you have any left of course!) 

    Also, I want to give a quick shout out to a viewer who was going to be a creative genius and try banana liqueur in her homemade Baileys concoction.  What an incredible idea Melanie!  Be sure you let us know how it turns out!  We are eagerly (ie drunkenly) awaiting your review!!!!!  I love love love a new and fabulous recipe, so always feel free to leave a comment with your ideas/recipes in them!

    Let's get to baking shall we!!!!  I should also mention that I found this amazing recipe at one of my favourite baking blogs:  How Sweet It Is .  Seriously, check it out for some sweet ass drool worthy recipes. 

    Double Fudge Irish Cream Cookies  (I just can't stop saying it...)

    What you will need:

    1 cup butter, softened
    1 1/2 cups sugar
    2 eggs
    1 teaspoon vanilla  (yay!!  Use your homemade vanilla from my first ever post!)
    2 2/3 cups flour
    1/2 cup cocoa powder
    1 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
    1/4 teaspoon salt
    1 teaspoon instant coffee powder
    8 tablespoons Bailey’s Irish Cream liqueur (mmmm....it would also be fun to try the mint Baileys)
    1 cup white chocolate chips
    1/2 cup chocolate chips

    Do it up:

    Cream butter, sugar, eggs and vanilla until fluffy. Add in Bailey’s one tablespoon at a time. (One for you Mr. bowl, two for me..)  Add flour, cocoa powder, instant coffee, baking soda and salt and mix until combined.
    Fold in chocolate chips. Refrigerate dough for 4-6 hours.
    Roll into balls (hee hee...balls....) and set on baking sheet.
    Bake at 350 for 8-10 minutes.

    Now lock your doors, lace a giant cup of coffee with any remaining Baileys and have yourself an old fashioned "cookie fest".  You know, back in the day when you didn't worry about getting chocolate all over your face and stuck in your teeth, crumbs on your chest or coffee on your crotch.  Just shovel these bad boys in your mouth like a whore at a "Who's in my mouth party".  Leave the clean up until later and just delight in the feeling of a face full of chocolate and a full belly.   "Eat like no one is watching"

    Photo from "How Sweet It Is"

    I'd also like to remind you guys that I recently joined Twitter!  I'm new to the tweeting, twatting, tooting world, but I'm slowly figuring it out.  Follow me @TheAwkwardbaker

    Quote of the day from Modern Family:

    Cam: I'm playing a drinking game. It's called every time I feel depressed about something, I take a drink.
    Mitchell: That's already a game. It's called alcoholism

    Tuesday, 14 February 2012

    Not your Grandmas Moonshine...Happy VD



    Ahhh...sweet VD...No I don't mean that unfortunate STD you picked up in Vegas on your 25th Birthday...(Damn you Elton John impersonator...)Valentines Day...Nothing entertains me more than reading the bitter ramblings of single/ broken hearted ladies on Facebook...Yes I admit that I'm one of those creeps who gets a secret perverse joy out of the misery of others, while sitting in front of the computer drinking mimosas and gorging on box upon box of fancy heart shaped chocolates.  It's all I've got as the the other 21 hours of my day are spent in extreme awkwardness.  Speaking of which, nothing will bring out the strangeness quite like Valentines.  Whether it's the pressure for romantic perfection or the quest for a decent pair of control top panty hose so you can look sexy while stuffing your face. I've made up a small "To DON'T list"  for Valentines Day.  It's a lovely montage of awkward mistakes I've made in the past...and this morning.

    -DO NOT unintentionally treat your neighbours to your morning dance performance AKA "The  Whitney Houston Tribute" As proud as you are of your sweet sparkly pants, gyrating hips and rendition of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"...nobody needs to see that...put that away. Or close the blinds. 

    -When sending yourself roses, assume that your coworkers WILL steal the little card away and read it.  So please dont' sign it "Can't wait for our steamy ice cream date tonight sexy...xoxo Awkward Baker."  The world isn't ready for you to be dating yourself. 

    -Please try to avoid that awkward moment when you check yourself out in the mirror at work and discover (to your horror) that you should have worn a cuchini (CLICK HERE for more details on the cuchini...lol)

    -Do not assume that because it was comfortable and easy to get INTO the beanbag chair at the V-Day party, that it will be at all flattering to get out of.  Just trust me on this. 

    -Happy VD isn't actually an appropriate way to greet people today...Let's stop with the abbreviations already!!!

    -When Facebook stalking, take extra caution not to "like" the depressing statuses of the love scorned.  Yes, it's funny when people air their nasty laundry to the public and immensely entertaining to us stable folk, however, there is always that awkward moment when you see them face to face after you "liked"  their "Valentines Day makes me want to jump off a cliff" status. 

    -Now that your grandfather has a cell phone, make sure that when you are sending your loved one a "naughty text" that you actually send it to your loved one.  Gramps can't handle your whipped cream bikini photo. (Nor do you want him to).

    Feel free to leave your own awkward, embarrassing Valentine tales in the comment section!!!!

    **************************************************************

    In celebration of VD (either the love day or your unfortunate STD) we are making HOMEMADE BAILEYS!!!  You read that right.  Baileys. From. Scratch.  It's simple, delicious and an amazing little treat to whip up for your Valentine!!  Note to readers: This is NOT your Grandmas Moonshine....everyone loves homemade Baileys.  (Especially Old Gregg)  I found my recipe on the The Cupcake Project website (love love love this site!!!) 

    What you will need
    • 1 Cup of heavy whipping cream
    • 14oz sweetened condensed milk
    • 1 2/3 Irish Whiskey
    • 1 teaspoon of instant coffee
    • 2 Tablespoons of Hershey's chocolate syrup
    • 1 teaspoon of vanilla (Yay!! Time to bring our your homemade vanilla from my first post!)
    Do it up
    Combine all of the ingredients in a blender on high speed for 30 seconds.  Put in a tightly sealed contained and refrigerate.  Always shake before serving.  This will keep for up to 2 months!  (Ha ha, it'll never last that long, but good to know)


    Make it Pretty

    You can get super creative and decorate bottles or mason jars and give this out as adorable presents. 

    Photo from :  The Cupcake Project

    Have fun with the Homemade Baileys and have a wonderful magnificent Awkward Valentines Day!!!


    Quote of the Day From "The New Girl"

    Cece: There’s nothing less sexy than a dude asking if he can kiss you.
    Schmidt: Nothing? I mean, what if I ate my own hair and pooped out a wig? What if I called my mom after sex and described it to her? What if I had a croissant blog?